Medical freedom in choice and what happens when it's denied.

“Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.” – C.S Lewis We currently live in a time where propaganda has become the new form of “Oxygen” that fills the air of our headspaces to the point that it leaves very little room for anything else, and is consumed by it. Be it the far right or far left shouting their points as absolute truths, it buries information that helps folks form educated opinions about anything, especially on topics like abortion. So for folks like me, using personal pain to be a teaching tool has become a necessity. Stories like the one I’m about to share get buried beneath all the extreme viewpoints, and left out of the conversation altogether. My story covers a lot of different topics like the lack of access to adequate prenatal care in a rural area, not being made aware that abortion was an option, and struggles with mental health. So let’s get into a tale that’s not the easiest thing to discuss. Most folks know that I have three daughters 20, 15, and 7 years old. But what most don’t know is that I had a daughter between my oldest and middle child as I don’t talk about Lizzie. Not because I didn’t love her or want to forget her, but due to the pain that comes from opening up that old wound. I mean I only got a brief two weeks with a child I had carried for 7 months. Now, most of the time when you hear of this kind of story, you automatically assume that it’s SIDS-related (Which is tragic in itself), but that’s not the case for Lizzie.

No, Lizzie passed away from an undiagnosed heart condition which wasn’t an option for surgery, as her heart was underdeveloped (meaning that she only had one heart wall and the rest was jelly-like). You’re probably wondering why something like that went unnoticed as an ultrasound in the second trimester would have caught something like that. And you would be right, an ultrasound would have caught that, I didn’t have one. In fact, the doctor only did one ultrasound throughout the entire pregnancy and that was to confirm the pregnancy and that was it. Despite the colleagues telling this doctor I needed one due to a lot of complications and it’s just protocol. Needless to say, that protest was outright ignored. So, when the day came that I had to be induced to deliver, I never dreamed of the absolute living nightmare that would ensue shortly after giving birth. Not only did the doctor not catch the birth defeat, but the hospital didn’t either. I’m not even kidding when I say that the poor kid was the color of a smurf. She should have been rushed to a NICU but instead, she was sent home to die a painful death. There’s no doubt that the only life she knew was pain from a deformed heart that went undiagnosed. Now, keep in mind, that the day she died she had just seen the doctor for her 2-week check-up, and by that late afternoon I was at the ER with her. And it’s that ER where I learned that death itself would be more comforting than the heartbreak I just experienced. I will give the ER doctor props for trying to hold it together for my sake. I was in the room with her when she crashed on the table and couldn’t be revived. It wasn’t until after her autopsy did I learned of the heart condition caused by a fluke in genetics. I won’t lie, things went into dark places for a few years. I just “checked” out from the overwhelming grief, and just couldn’t cope. The reality was at that point I became afraid to be a mother. In my mind, what happened to Lizzie was somehow my fault for not knowing and letting her suffer for 2 weeks straight. That event led me to carry so much guilt and shame for years for something that was well out of my control and the worst part is that I struggled with it for the most part on my own. And looking back, and knowing what I know now–I no doubt would have terminated that pregnancy. Not because I didn’t want Lizzie (she was very much loved and wanted) but as an act of mercy. But due to shitty prenatal care and a very “Pro-life” doctor, I was robbed of being able to do the more compassionate thing I could have done for her as a mother as opposed to letting her suffer for 2 weeks. I don’t think people fully understand just how much I felt like a “monster” because I was ignorant of her condition. Even the possibility of abortion was never out of the picture with my other two kids either, because I was high risk. In fact, all my kids had to be induced to deliver, and if I were to get pregnant now–It would cost me my life. It’s taken me years to learn to cope and be “semi” okay. I mean I still struggling with heart monitor sounds and er rooms. I still get triggered by certain songs that had been played at her service or even when my other kids get curious and start asking questions. But now I have a really wonderful support system from folks who don’t take “no” as an answer, and walk through the “good, bad, and ugly” moments. I didn't before and had to go through this alone because people just couldn't relate on any level.

Now, you’re probably wondering why I’m telling you my living nightmare. Well, the answer is simple, my pain has to become a megaphone for this part of the conversation that nobody wants to talk about. It's sad, but the truth that unfortunately hasn’t left me alone since the fall of Roe and the trigger ban put in place. Because it raises the question of how many other folks are going to go through the same fucked up situation I went through? I mean we have lawmakers who push false narratives about abortion with no regard for how the lack of medical freedom leads to unrelentless amounts of suffering for both the baby and the parents. Especially in rural areas where prenatal care is virtually nonexistent. And it’s worse now than it was 20 years ago. I wish I could say that it is an over-exaggeration, but it’s not. We have had at least 4 hospitals close and one in my area is facing bankruptcy. That’s just in congressional district 8 and not counting the rest of Missouri. It's a dire situation for expecting mothers in rural Missouri. So as you can see situations like mine are the very reason abortion is a medical necessity and not a luxury as people like Jaimie Gragg (Rep Mo) try to proclaim. Without being given a choice in care, an already tragic situation becomes worse with life-altering consequences that never truly heal. Let’s get medical freedom on the ballot so more stories like mine don’t happen to anyone else. As always take care, and take care of one another. Much love, Jojo